For the last few weeks I’ve been floundering in a couple of ways. Most notably my progress has stalled and I’ve been feeling a great deal of pressure to identify why. What began as a vague sensation of feeling like there’s “nothing in the tank” has expanded into a wider torrent of difficulties. At the most basic level, over the holiday season I introduced more flexibility, and it has been much harder to ‘get back on the saddle’ this time around. I’m realizing that this ‘plateau’ is in some ways driven by familiar pressures driving all too familiar behavior. In being ‘out in the world’ regularly, I am feeling an overwhelming urge to hide from it yet again. Despite everything, I still don’t have enough gratitude for getting to this point, and for the opportunity that this represents for me.

Being comfortable at my current size makes it genuinely hard to appreciate any benefits to reaching a healthy body weight. Intellectually I can comprehend that I’m carrying an extra 100lbs of weight, but on an emotional level it doesn’t register. Logically, I want to reach lower and continue to progress, but I notice that day-to-day I struggle to properly prioritize what it would take to advance. Some of this is the fact that the game has changed in many ways. I am no longer in a situation where losing weight is my only responsibility. Taking on more has been gratifying, but it has also introduced challenges that I haven’t fully handled.

On some level, sharing this is comforting because admitting I have stalled and failed to keep momentum at least puts me in a position to analyze why. I think much of my recent troubles has been out of a panicked denial to reach for a “quick-fix” rather than to slow down and ask myself “what’s happening?”. It is profoundly difficult to say that at the moment, I feel entirely powerless again. I see the challenge before me as too difficult and myself as too weak and incapable to fix it. Ironically enough, this is very similar to how I felt starting this journey. What’s different this time is that I am no longer as desperate for change (even if I should be…) and I have less time, focus, and resources to devote to this.

I know it’s certainly possible to change, and that doing so is going to be worthwhile. I am mired in a haze of confusion as I struggle to remind myself why I’m doing this. I wonder if it is because so much has changed over the last year I am being forced to reassess particular assumptions made along the way. I am beginning to recognize that despite all this I still don’t actually care that much about my own health. Taking the time to prioritize continuing to address my weight feels vain, selfish, and more hassle than it’s worth. I realize that this error is the cause of many of my problems, yet It seems stubbornly difficult to shake. The dark side of this is that because continuing is going to take more effort, I feel it is hard to justify the investment in myself. After all this change, I still struggle to see myself as worthwhile. I didn’t realize just how much making progress means that old wounds feel fresh all over again.

Ongoing issues

1. Winter is the worst

   The cold has certainly won out over what remained of my willpower. Retreating mostly indoors has certainly not helped my mood and motivation. I’m already tired of the wet and the chilly winds. I miss walking more, and these updates have definitely suffered a bit due to that alone. I realized while doing this recording that not having this time to self-reflect out loud has absolutely not done me any favors. It would seem that overcoming my funk is absolutely going to have to involve being more willing to brave the rest of the Winter season.

2. Intense pain

   A recent injury has my back feeling quite sore. It feels like a knife in my back. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. My lifts and ability to function have certainly been impacted. This has been the hardest thing to bear lately. The pain from this is too difficult to ignore and is a constant frustration. Something as simple as looking to the side will aggravate it, and it has lingered for a frustrating amount of time. Despite being a week already, it feels like there is no end in sight.

3. Pressure & feelings

   I’ve been struggling with pressure from being stalled. What little patience I may have developed during this journey feels all used up. I’m folding under it to the point of misery. It is clear to me that I really need to chill out, but the feeling of letting myself down makes that very difficult. The frustration with it all is making it hard to make clear-headed decisions.

4. Sleep and energy

   One of the more clear signs that I need to calm down is that reasonable sleep completely evades me. These days I’m feeling more lethargic, but I’m wondering how much of that is hydration being an issue.

Down but not out!

As melancholic as this reads, the dread is being reasonably restrained. Despite all this I have many reasons to be thankful and optimistic. If nothing else, my situation is a great deal more ‘salvageable’ than before. I’ve learned a great deal that is going to help me, it’s just a matter of realigning my mindset with the process. To me, my current problem mostly seems to be about reigniting my passion to launch myself into it fully, rather than just coasting on past progress. It’s going to take me a great deal to do this ‘mental reset’, but I know it’s a matter of time and effort. I think if I refocus on caring for myself instead of applying pressure things can improve quite a bit.

As bad as it is, I’m still holding on. I am holding on to hope that I will figure this out and that I will begin steadily improving again. The good part of all this is that while I may be having trouble, I still haven’t really “gone completely off the rails” Maybe it’s cope but I’m feeling good about the fact that my eating habits are still wildly better than before given the circumstances. A lot of the work that went in to building up better capabilities and routines is certainly paying dividends. If nothing else I am comforted by the fact that no matter how rough this all is, I am not starting from scratch.

I am looking forward to feeling better, stronger, and more capable again.