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Troubles with Food

This is less about compiling a list of excuses, but more about giving a sober look at what years of bad habits can build up to. My intention writing about this is to help others who may know obese people empathize with their troubles. Additionally, I hope that those who are obese to benefit from my retrospection, and can use it to help reverse their own situation.

You’re obviously not supposed to stop eating entirely. “Just stop eating!” is mostly terrible advice for somebody who is already obese, and can often push others into over-correcting in the wrong direction. While there are ‘starvation diets’ these are an extreme circumstance not worth considering without serious medical supervision. The real question is “why can’t I stop eating so much?” Or in some circumstances, “why can’t I stop eating so badly?”.

I’ll attempt to address those questions, but first let’s define eating well. As somebody far beyond the “starting line” when it comes to eating habits, this is how I conceptualize a healthy relationship with food:

Ordered by relevance to weight loss

Based on understanding the above two, I believe the optimal path is to try to optimize getting the most nutrients out of the calories you need.

In short: Make liver and broccoli your friends.

I believe that anyone with the above under control is doing the best they can for their body. Those are what I understand the ideal situation to be, if you’ve got feedback, contact me!
Back to my situation:

Why can’t I stop eating?

The long arc

Over the course of my adult life, there were particular situations where I doubled-down on a variety of extremely bad habits. I used to work security, including overnight shifts which included a great deal of regular fast-food binges. I can blame my father for some of this, because the majority of the happy memories I had of him (before they were tainted by particular revelations) were of him taking my brothers and I to McDonalds, and/or getting lots of soda and bread while out for the day.

Juhis jwvaofbrnscwdof, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons

I mention this, because bad habits compound if you’re familiar with the concept of compound interest you can appreciate how even minor deviations over large periods of time can build up into massive problems. I personally made the mistake of not confronting these mistakes early, and I have to spend an immense level of effort reversing the damage created by them. Unlike financial interest, when it comes to health troubles there is no bankruptcy, only death.

I’ve written before about how life circumstances have exacerbated my situation:

Iā€™ve attempted to lose weight before. I made great strides, I lost 80lbs a few years back, mostly through keto and cycling. Unfortunately, I gained that back as old pressures and old habits overcame me. Struggling with the guilt of regaining the weight, I sought out weight loss counselling. To my dismay, I was told they couldnā€™t help me when I started to explain my situation as I understood it. Then as I floundered and gained more weight I eventually started going to a gym with my twin brother to help me learn how to start, only to have it all shut down when the covid lockdowns started.

I truly cannot express the full extent of horror, rage, and sadness I have over how the entire covid crisis was handled and the effect it had on many people. This post isnā€™t about that, but I highlight it to bring to your attention that there are surely many other people who had it much worse than I did. I donā€™t think many have truly healed from what was done to them through isolation, fear, and medical malpractice.

2023 Resolutions

While having the opportunity to work remotely starting early 2020 made me more comfortable, it mostly exacerbated my existing problems. I became much more inactive than I already was, and spent more time eating worse than I ever did. I’m aware many took the opportunity to turn around their lives, and I’m sincerely happy for those who did. I am sure however, I am not alone in being unable to embrace the opportunity at the time.

Part of this, is that for reasons I’ll elaborate more on later in this post, I was completely unwilling to seriously examine how I could change these habits. They were so in-grained into my life that I felt that it was impossible to change them and I was powerless to even moderate the degree. I believe this is largely because as habits compound and you become set in your ways changing even minor things can feel like an insurmountable task.

In fact, it is only within the last few weeks that I’ve even considered that I could meaningfully change my eating style. Despite spending a majority of my effort on improving my health, and considering my situation over the last few months, hope on this point very much escaped me. I want to share with you that no matter how far gone you are, there is always a great deal that can be done to turn things around.

Now that you have a better understanding of where I’m coming from, I’m going to share the major factors I’ve identified contributing to my situation as a severely obese man.

Compulsion

For many people, eating is just one of many things they do during their life. In my case, my life has revolved around eating. Meaning that from the moment I wake up, to the moment I pass out to sleep, I am constantly thinking, planning, and negotiating about what I will eat next. In some ways, this was because throughout my career I felt enormous pressure and felt I needed to be constantly fueled to carry out what I could accomplish. I taught myself that my productivity was directly related to the level of C&C (calories & caffeine) I’ve consumed recently.

More or less, eating and drinking sodas felt like a natural extension of existence like breathing. Living in a constant see-saw between panic about getting enough, the equilibrium of feeling satisfied, then the regret of overdoing it. A long period of time without eating felt like a time that needed to be filled with food or at least some soda.

While I’ve been far from successful in putting it into practice, my best understanding at the moment is that overcoming compulsive eating requires confronting the causes directly. The causes can be boredom, stress, pain (emotional or physical) which are all chronic problems someone in my situation will inevitably experience. Those in that situation with me will understand how tightly intertwined compulsive eating is with emotional eating.

Emotional Eating

If you’re reading this, and struggle with constant compulsive emotional eating…
I’m going to try to save you a LOT of time by being blunt:

There are reasons you’re doing this.
They are not good reasons.
Confronting them is going to be very difficult.
It’s possible that information has been kept from you, that is hurting you in ways you don’t yet understand.
You’re going to need help, don’t cut people who care about you out.
You’re going to need LOTS of help, be as patient as you can be with those around you.
You have to be incredibly patient with yourself.

If I’ve struck a nerve, I have utmost sympathy for your situation. For me, the hardest lesson was learning that this is something that can be changed. Whatever the source(s) of emotional pain you’ve compulsively avoiding, I promise you that with time and effort there are ways to resolve them.

I’ve had an excellent conversation with a great canadian hero, Patrick Phillips about this. who told me “If you’re soothing the pain, you should sooth the pain.”. At the start, I counter-productively took this as a license to continue eating to my feelings. Now I have a more nuanced opinion on what that means. He put me on the path to taking on my negative feelings head on, and was a great help.

It may come as a surprise to some, but I’ve only recently been aware of how much chronic emotional pain I’ve been in. The side-effect of numbing yourself with self-destructive coping mechanisms for years is that you can completely forget why you have them. Eventually, all you remember is that you’re stressed out all the time but can’t really pinpoint things that aren’t too obvious.

Taking the opportunity to emphasize this: chronic emotional pain does terrible things to a person. Counter-intuitively, even when suppressed, or otherwise not recognized.

I’ve only made tiny beginning steps on tackling this issue. I certainly underestimated the difficulties involved. I’ve mentioned before that I’ve found Peter Breggin’s Book very helpful for this.

The main reason I need to tackle this is that I recognize the degree in which my overeating has been emotionally driven. Through a troubled childhood, a stroke a few years ago and a grave family tragedy, I had learned to merely push frustrations aside and suffer the effects later. Later has come and Itā€™s become clear that many of my daily activities were aimed solely at avoiding how Iā€™m feeling in the present moment. Peterā€™s book does a phenomenal job at explaining how constant frustration or sadness can build up into a wall of numbness. It is reassuring to learn that this is not permanent and can be reversed.

Is Caffeine the culprit?

The good news is that I can report to being a almost entirely caffeine free since early March. While it was absolutely a temporary and severe hit to my productivity, I can happily say I’ve bounced back. Now I am more productive than ever, regularly publishing my bi-weekly show Cyber Fix. Strangely enough, there are two things I’ve noticed from quitting caffeine.

  1. Dreams are more detailed and vivid (unclear why)
  2. I poop less often and I have a lot less diarrhea

This is pure speculation on my part, but it has been observed that caffeine speeds up your digestive system…without also speeding up your digestion. I wonder if this is a contributor to the unending feeling of hunger that arises. It is often said that when one is hungry their body is signaling that they’re missing some nutrient or another. It’s possible that by not giving the body enough time to digest already sub-par food, one may be inadvertently starving themselves from what they need. At the same time they would still gain weight from the quickly digesting carbs while fats and proteins don’t have time to digest.

Quitting caffeine hasn’t entirely resolved my eating troubles, but it has definitely simplified the process of working on them. Take that with a grain of salt for what it’s worth.

Addiction

When one eats fast food or other meals that require no preparation, it’s almost impossible to avoid various addictions. Apparently vegetable oil itself can be addictive, to say nothing about sugar. Many explain food addiction in a simple way: your brain interprets food as a reward, and numbing that reward center requires more and more to be satiated. I’ve been told by those close to me that I have a classic addict’s reaction to large amounts of greasy/sugary/fatty food. I’m told that I “become a different person” and that I light up instantly the moment I realize I’m going to have that hit.

This is inherently a difficult thing to tackle directly. While I’ve been able to quit caffeine ‘cold-turkey’, there is no way I could do the same with food even if it was conceivably possible. This is where I imagine the best bet is to manage the addiction by pushing that effort into preparing food if one is mobile and capable enough. Personally, I still struggle to even comprehend that I don’t need as much food as I want.

The only minor thing I’ve noticed that helps is if one can afford it, switching from fast food to higher quality (but still easy) food such as fancy deli meats, cheeses, and pre-cut vegetables may be enough to help. I can say when I was not quite so large, I found it quite easy to stick with a rational amount of “carbs”, because keto focuses on that rather than calories. If you go that route I would merely suggest to still have enough veggies than just purely having meat and cheese.

I’m considering simply pre-boiling (and unshelling ugh!) a fairly large amount of eggs and snack on those. This likely sounds unpleasant. But that’s somewhat the point. Only eating when the impulse becomes so hard to ignore with a discrete amount of food to try to manage it. My challenge is that while the idea sounds nice I still have yet to summon the energy, willpower, and patience to get it done. An option that does help me a bit is buying frozen berries. It’s a bit messy but I really appreciate the texture of slightly-thawed berries. Strawberries are great, but not as strong a flavor as blackberries (hey lots of fibre!) but raspberries are a very intense feeling.

Helplessness

Alright, so we’ve fixed the knowledge problem.
I’ve explained eating problems as best as I understand, clearly that’s it.
I’m the genius who’s cracked the code that definitely isn’t found anywhere and everywhere.
We can all look forward to everyone being perfectly happy and healthy from now on right? …Right?

I’ve noticed a great deal of learned helplessness in my situation. I can only guess, but I believe this is the greatest contributor to people becoming bed-ridden for the rest of their lives. The more weight you gain the harder it becomes to accomplish even the simplest of tasks. For example, even now that I’ve made big strides towards becoming more mobile: I still agonize over the resistance of simple things like standing, getting up from sitting or lying down, and walking.

While I won’t deny to being quite lazy. A great deal of my efficiency is the embodiment of “If you want something done the easy way, find a lazy person to do it.” I believe this learned helplessness is what causes people to being trapped into a state of laziness.

You’re not going to think to run around and do all kinds of activities when simple tasks like going up stairs, walking, or carrying things feel almost entirely out of reach. Eventually once those things have seemed out of reach they eventually fade into being actually out of reach.

Accustomed to comfort

There’s a quote I’m going to paraphrase because I can’t quite hunt it down.

One must not become accustomed to comfort, because over time, the slightest discomforts become unbearable.

This absolutely matches my experience. Change is uncomfortable, adapting is even more uncomfortable. The hardest part about being severely obese is that by the time being overweight becomes it’s own problem, you’re already very used to avoiding discomfort. This makes the aches, pains, and despair from being so large and immobile a horrifically crushing experience.

Overcoming the learned helplessness from the consequences of obesity.

In this situation, you have far more problems than merely weight, immobility, and bad eating. No guide, lecture, or intervention is going to single-handedly help you transform your life overnight. It will take time of constantly making little decisions to improve your situation, whatever that entails.

This is going to sound counter-intuitive, but my opinion is that you have to recognize your limits rationally. Too many push themselves hard by attempting to make all the changes they should, rather than the things that they can. A lot of this comes from a good place, a burst of inspiration inspires someone to take on all their problems at once. Because we are only human, many fall short of accomplishing this, and end up filled with sadness and regret.

If this situation sounds familiar, consider that you’re not using the right resource. You have a complex problem and organizations have a role for the person who keeps track of how large problems are solved. They’re called a project manager.

You need a project manager. Turning around a decade or a lifetime of bad habits requires tracking a lot of problems within the larger whole. You can be your own project manager with software, just writing things down, or you can rely on someone else like a friend, family member, or health and/or fitness professional. It may even help to compartmentalize, maybe you rely on one person to help you with eating habits, and fitness with another, or you may only need somebody to understand your blind-spots.

Your job isn’t to fix everything all at once. Counter-intuitively, instead of focusing on what you should do, do everything you can.

Can you bike? Do that!
Can’t bike, but can walk? Walk whenever you can!
Can’t walk, or can’t walk without pain? Try getting to a pool!
You can’t do every day? Do whatever days you can.

You have to make peace with the fact that most likely, you can’t do everything in this moment to correct your situation, instead you need to focus yourself on building momentum. Your life is like a massive aircraft carrier in the water. The heavier you are the more time and effort required to turn around even slightly. Over time, your good changes open more doors for better changes. That’s the true process, healing your lows and growing your highs. You’ll feel a whole lot better when your ship isn’t moving the wrong way and is instead moving in the right direction.

You can do it! Motivational Memes

Browse the collection feel free to send me more!

A kind reader sent me these tips:

Veggie Tips

I also wanted to share a few meal tips that helped me. Most days I’d only have enough energy for “struggle meals” with minimal groceries and prep work. But I’d still aim for nutritious food. I think the key is finding something enjoyable with lots of vegetables:

Something about vegetables makes me feel full. Maybe it’s all the chewing, lol. And it’s a healthy full, without bloating or tiredness.

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