I hope you’ll enjoy this attempt at a walking monologue in video. Running with the theme of pushing my comfort zone this was a particularly challenging thing to take on. I’ve actually attempted to record many walking monologues lately, which have sadly been kept for my own archives. In many ways I’ve been treating this milestone as a deadline to force myself to get over the self-censorship of perfectionism. As usual, the written portion here is a semi-overlapping blog post.
This walk is available in VIDEO, feel free to join me on this walk on PeerTube
This milestone has been a long time coming. I can genuinely say that when I started this journey I had zero confidence I would even get this far. I’m finally at the point where I can say I’m quite confident that I haven’t been this weight in almost a decade. I’ve learned so much in this arduous process of reversing course, and there have been many ups and downs. what makes reaching this point most significant is that I’ve begun to notice “good problems to have”. Instead of everyday life itself being a challenge, I have to seek out new challenges to continue improving myself and testing my limits.
As of my latest low of 299.4 the other day, I’ve lost just over 276 pounds from my highest recorded weight in September of 2024. It is a genuinely surreal feeling and I find myself asking “where did it all go?” During my lifts I can see my extra skin hanging off of me and I can even feel my collar bone and calves now. Paradoxically I’m not quite used to feeling like myself again despite spending so much time at this size. I think it’s because in part I have never been as strong as I am now. Getting stronger has been a lot of fun, my latest big milestone is being able to overhead press 135lbs for 6 reps. At the gym I’m told that it’s quite an impressive feat!
The good and the bad
Over the turn of the year, I’ve been definitely having some struggles. A mix of burnout, a personal crisis, and pressure made the last few months a very challenging ordeal. I am very happy to share that I’ve held on and I’m doing quite better. A great deal of this is due to the kindness and support I got from so many different places. I reached out to the people I know in real life and got many great suggestions. My trainer pushed me to get out of my comfort zone and reacclimate myself with what physical limits I still have, a great coach at the gym suggested that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself for not ‘feeling into it’ and endure until I feel recharged again. One of my new gym friends suggested that limiting my food choices too much wasn’t helping at all. With a combination of this, and a desire to shake things up in the new year I decided I needed to focus on an “easy wins” protocol, where I identify ’low-hanging fruit’ that helps keep me moving forward.
The first one was to commit to taking creatine regularly. It’s not a supplement you can expect anything out of taking once so I decided to really focus on ensuring I wasn’t slacking in that department. I certainly can’t report any world-changing effects, but I do think it’s made a small difference. The next ’easy win’ was to stop taking the bus for my daily commutes nearby (mostly to avoid the cold) and to push myself to get back into walking again. This was certainly quite difficult but absolutely had the best ROI. I am no longer paying to be less active which is certainly a bad deal in my circumstances. That said, I really do recognize that this has increased the challenge of each day during this time. As such the next “easy win” was to focus on active recovery and really spend effort taking time to relax. In the past I’ve noticed that spending time away from the pool usually makes things harder, so I’m guessing that physical and mental break goes a long way to help me recharge. Since I’m focused on putting effort into relaxation and I have access to a sauna at the gym, I figured the next ’easy win’ was to focus on actually making use of it regularly. I think focusing on these small ’easy wins’ has been a great way to keep me focused while my passion and motivation recharges. I’m certainly not done with them, my next major focus is getting back into the habit of ‘meal-prepping’ for myself because I find it makes such a huge difference. I’ve been relying a bit too much on ready-to-go greek yogurt lately. Having meals ready really goes a long way to reduce the ‘cognitive load’ of trying to eat right which is something I definitely still struggle with when stress and pressure get to me.
I’m very glad I was able to share that I was struggling in my last recording. It’s not at all an easy thing to do but I got a great deal of encouragement and support from my regular listeners. I am constantly surprised at how many ‘internet strangers’ are willing to take the time to share thoughts and kind words. In a time where governments and corporations are working to seize control over online communications, it is a genuine joy to see that the free and open web can still be a warm and thoughtful place. Ironically, this has been contrasted with some of my negative experiences of getting back on mainstream social media. I am quite shocked how efficient the ‘doom-scrolling’ algorithms are at precisely pinpointing emotional buttons to press. I realize I have been spoiled by the open web and decentralized social media for the meaningful depth to be found in conscious and deliberate engagement. I’m definitely going to have more to say about this in the near future.
Looking at health in a different light
In becoming comfortable at my current size, I realized I needed a deeper reason to carry on this mission further. I am no longer working to reverse the damage sustained during the covid years, and I am no longer a prisoner in my own body. “Scale go down” has been a strong motivator for me thus far but there is definitely going to be a point where that’s no longer a good thing, even if I am in no immediate danger of reaching that point. I’m recognizing that I have certainly built up skills, habits, and systems that will help me move forwards, but I’m also recognizing old patterns coming back with a vengeance. It has never been more clear to me that becoming a radically different person requires a forceful rejection of those ‘old ways’. The effort of consciously interrupting the feedback loops behind them seems to require focus and will that has to come from somewhere… or at least to me.
It feels genuinely deranged to admit that while I’ve been on a ‘health’ journey for many years now, I’m only now beginning to truly rebuild understanding of health. Sure I’ve learned a great deal about mental and physical health in this time, but ultimately much of that was more instrumental rather than fundamental. I recognized that my efforts to lose weight were not ultimately tied to anything particularly deep. Once the ball actually got rolling it happened so fast I didn’t really wrestle with the meaning behind much of it at all. This all likely sounds like terrible navel-gazing, but it’s crucial to understanding where I’ve gone wrong in the past and what I want to do about it moving forward.
Ultimately, my biggest problem was that I treated my own health as expendable. In early adulthood the pressure to secure independence and space I was perfectly willing to ‘cash in’ on health if it meant making getting through the day easier. Effectively I was just digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole. This was part a particularly nasty feedback loop of extra weight causing discomfort and then using self-destructive means to ease that discomfort. I’ve come to realize that not only that not caring about health caused my problem, but that even getting this far wasn’t enough to really start caring. In a small way I guess I had just hoped the “sunk cost fallacy” would be enough to get me to care. Thinking “I’ve done all this, of course I’m going to keep myself in shape”, but I’ve come to realize it takes more to that.
A small metaphor: Finance
To better explain how I see the problem, I’ll try to draw a parallel from health to financial life. There are generally two paths that people recognize in financial living: 1) “Net worth maximization” is the path people intuitively understand as responsible financial management. You spend less than you earn, build up savings, invest over time and build wealth along your life. 2) “Credit maximization” where you earn to borrow. In this path you’ll use up all the credit you have access to until you’re eventually stopped by interest rates or insufficient income and you go bankrupt. I recognize that in reality both of these ‘paths’ are far more complex than I’ve summarized here, but this is the basic concept.
I now recognize that I need to see health less about simple “good vs bad” decisions, but more in terms of managing a growing portfolio. A (good) financial planner will recognize that everyone has unique circumstances, goals, and challenges. That planner is tasked with making the best use of the assets available to grow the portfolio over time. It is intuitively obvious that a ‘health portfolio’ includes a lot more than simply not just being over 500lbs anymore. With this understanding I can better recognize the value of varied health ‘assets’ like V02 max, strength, mobility and even the quirky things people bring up that I still don’t quite understand.
With this in mind, I’m now reinvigorated to learn even more about these things not just to ‘maximize my health portfolio’ but also so that I can have a deeper understanding of how bigger issues relate to the little ones. It’s no secret that I have a very inter-connected view of health and freedom, so I’m very much looking forward to having more to share as I continue to learn and put things to the test. It is a huge relief to have this heading and feel like I actually can “care about health” in a way I have never truly contemplated before. It is equal parts daunting and thrilling, but I appreciate having you here for the ride.