This is more about me than I would usually share. I’m choosing to share this in an attempt to be more accountable to myself, but also to point back to as I try to go into more detail about the journey moving forward. If you know someone who’s struggling with their weight, please be as patient and compassionate as you can. If you’re struggling with your weight, please try not to project your own self-loathing on other people. In all situations, being proactive can go a long way.

Many people don’t need to be told this, but for those that do: never compromise on your health. A healthy, mobile body is a gift that should never be taken for granted. Do not fall into the trap of trading it away for temporary comfort or career advancement. I don’t recommend working nights if you can avoid it, and this includes staying up all night for recreation. If your lifestyle is causing you to gain weight beyond a healthy range, seriously consider taking proactive steps to make change. No matter what, it’s always worth your time to enjoy exercise to keep you mobile.

Looking back on 2023

2023 has been a wild year for me. Much of it has passed in a blur. I started the year with no job, lots of stress, mostly running purely on hope and faith. Over the last few years, I’ve gone from struggling to get anything done, to finally being productive again. Not only am I working full-time with a few projects, but I’ve also been able to start making serious strides in taking better care of my health. I’ve made some great friends in the last year, so I have a much better support network this year than I started it with. I feel like many things have aligned in a way that put me in a great position to make real transformative change.

I would be a liar if I said it was all me or all my will that got me making progress again. I can admit to not being strong-willed in the slightest. Over many years, many bad habits have built up in ways that are very difficult for me to unravel. My point is that I’ve gotten a lot of serious support from those around me. I am blessed to have had the people in my life that I do, and their generous time, and work has gone a long way. It’s hard to be my size, but it’s also hard for those around someone like me. I think one of the major reasons people in my situation don’t fare well is that people hardly have the slack to devote to helping them turn it around, and even when it is the case; built-up guilt and shame can make one unable to accept the help necessary.

🤔 It's anyone's guess how it got this bad.

Something I feel that’s important to share is that the reasons for someone getting as large as I am are rarely simple. There is no quick-fix for a decade of gradual emotional and physical decline gone unaddressed. Self-loathing and loss of mobility are a combination that literally have and will kill. I’ve decided to document this recent attempt to turn things around and share what I think helped got me to this point. I wish I could say this progress started with a “just do it” moment, but it’s something that I’ve had to grow back into.

I’ve attempted to lose weight before. I made great strides, I lost 80lbs a few years back, mostly through keto and cycling. Unfortunately, I gained that back as old pressures and old habits overcame me. Struggling with the guilt of regaining the weight, I sought out weight loss counselling. To my dismay, I was told they couldn’t help me when I started to explain my situation as I understood it. Then as I floundered and gained more weight I eventually started going to a gym with my twin brother to help me learn how to start, only to have it all shut down when the covid lockdowns started.

I truly cannot express the full extent of horror, rage, and sadness I have over how the entire covid crisis was handled and the effect it had on many people. This post isn’t about that, but I highlight it to bring to your attention that there are surely many other people who had it much worse than I did. I don’t think many have truly healed from what was done to them through isolation, fear, and medical malpractice.

Current Weight: >500lbs

Yep, it’s a big number. So many things that one would take for granted, like getting up in the morning, going up stairs, even walking moderate distances are a serious challenge for me. I’ve noticed that for every 100lbs I gained, things got much more challenging in ways I wouldn’t have imagined. Breaking things is always a depressing reminder that you’ve gone too far, same with every time you try to find bigger and bigger clothes. Surprisingly, clothes you’ve had for years are stretched to still fit, yet you’ll struggle to find things to fit within your size. Hygiene is a big issue, I’ve gone from needing a shower a day to remain comfortable, to requiring multiple to avoid…problems.

Despite all this, in many ways I feel blessed. I’m quite lucky to have made it this far. I suffered a stroke a few years back that has permanently impacted my vision, but it could have been fatal or left me with a more serious injury. I think the only thing that has saved me from being bed-ridden permanently is the fact that the one thing I maintained so far was the ability to walk despite the weight gain. Unfortunately, it’s gotten to the point where I really can’t walk very far. It’s not that I get tired, but the pain definitely gets me. Not only that but winter is starting, facing Canadian winter is difficult on top of related problems like slipping on the ice.

What’s changing?

Over the last year, I’ve made attempts to proactively make myself better food instead of sticking to what’s comfortable. Ironically it’s not the time preparing that takes the most time, but rather overcoming the immense temptation drains a lot of focus. I’ve had mixed results with that, some weeks it helps a great deal, other weeks it feels like too much. Overall I still need to find ways to make it simpler for myself and keep up the habit. Over the last few months, desperation has set in over my lack of mobility, so I’ve come up with a solution.

The following photos are from a pool that I’ve started going to. There’s a pool I used to go to that only requires me only to walk to the closest bus stop, then the rest of the way is essentially all indoors. This means I don’t have to worry about slipping on ice, it being too cold, or anything like that. It also means I can get there on my own without requiring anyone else’s assistance. It’s a bit of a trip, but even getting there is like a workout for me. The pool also has a gym that I can use as well, which will help a lot in the long run.

Having only gone twice a week for the last three weeks I can’t report any crazy improvement. I am already seeing reassuring signs though. I’m becoming more comfortable with the journey and I’m noticing some basic things being slightly easier. As I said earlier, I feel like I just need to keep at it and that things will start to improve. I’ve got a lot of work to do and I’m trying to be patient with the fact that it will take time. Ideally, I’d like to find time to move up to three times a week, hopefully soon!

Some Motivational Videos

It’s good to have reminders that it’s not hopeless. There are people who have overcome this and many other troubles. I’ve found inspiration in these, and I hope others can too.

• I’ve gotta learn dance moves from this guy!
• A punching bag looks like a smart idea.

Got others? Please send me a link!

The Resolutions

Health

• Continue to go swimming at least 2x weekly.
• Improve meal planning
• Live in the moment more
• Appreciate and focus on prayer.
• Sleep more consistently

Part of this, is that I hope to write more about my weight loss journey.
There’s a tag for it if you’re curious.

Writing more

I’ve found writing to be helpful, but I need to do it more. Like many other positive changes I’m struggling to properly nurture the habit. It’s not a super-high priority, but I’d like to get into the flow of regularly writing in my journal every day. For the last few months, everything I’ve written has been public, and I think that’s a bit of a mistake. Ideally I think my public writing should be the best subset of a larger collection of writing I do.

Reading more

I’d definitely read a lot less than I had intended this last year. Part of it is that I’ve become much more busy than I had anticipated. That said, I’ve collected a couple of books that I’m looking forward to spending time with. One book I’m really interested in reading is Guilt, Shame, and Anxiety: Understanding and Overcoming Negative Emotions by Peter Breggin. Early last year I read How To Stop Overthinking And Start Living which I think helped frame things for me a bit.

I’m always interested in book recommendations, fiction and non-fiction alike!